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I feel quite sick today. I think itapos;s stress thatapos;s gotten to me. Iapos;m kind of dizzy, and my stomach aches. I really need to relax more, and take less upon myself. I wrote a poem. I thought maybe It was a creativity build up wanting to smash down doors. Thatapos;s what it usually is. But today I still donapos;t feel much better. It probably just takes time.



If my Love art creature, then she, a doe
with love so sweet, so pure.

Love - youapos;ve become my angel, guiding Northern Star
your skin so soft so pure, an obsession of mine become.
Your eyes enlighten universe to one upon each,
and create an upwell so deep of mine own, yours, i am yours.
Your beauty is nothing less than remark-able.
The ways your soft lips confess inutterable misgivings, which,
by followed in my choice, i take upon my own soul - in hopes of easing yours.
You, a doe, dolce, and yet a fawn with inexperienced starry heart --
your pains her own, upon scarred and sable flanks
yet with eyes so innocent and scattered white spotting, never fading upon your own cloak.
Cry to me of past injustices, and as the scars disappear
from kisses, ill love you ceaselessly.
Yet lo, the lioness that art within you come out,
and pounce upon your prey or submit to your Roi-Lion, whichever your paws have chosen
so carefully while in and out of your own heartbeat.
Sometimes, what do you let me inflict upon you, dearest-heart?
An act so ungentlemanly...
but afterall I as lion am not man but wild creature and act as so. Perhaps often savage beast with claws that run unsparingly
And so thus i breathe and thine breath lost as well, shameless above covers sans ombres.
But your body stirs in the soft light of evening,
under stars shrouded by neon-reflected clouds,
and your spirit becomes the doe-fawn again. Turn your gaze upon this difficult lion,
and HE fawns...
Lamb i art in thine presence ma Reine.
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WHAT.

Memo to Party City: PLEASE STOP PUTTING ME ON THE WALL WHEN I ALREADY CANNOT SPEAK SERIOUSLY ITapos;S GOTTEN TO THE POINT OF FUCKING HURTS Aapos;IGHT?

Hehe. "Putting me on the wall" just sounds silly.

Ohhhhhh, this is me. Being frustrated. Big damn surprise.

Damn damn damnability.

It doesnapos;t help that the illness thing isnapos;t so much improving. In fa-act, running out of DayQuil meant that illness now feels even more like illness, complete with the sort of fever thatapos;s been mercifully absent. Had wondered whether the DayQuil was actually doing anything, and now methinks I know.

Now this is me, hoping things are magically healed and what-not tomorrow morning.

I think I can pretty much predict whatapos;ll happen tomorrow. Oh, yeah, here, just take over for someone on the wall for half an hour, and... Ohhh, ohhhh, wait. Half an hour + magic = five hours. = adieuuuuuuuuuu, voice. = STILL NO HORN PLAYING. >.< Whatthe fuck, I would like to practice, please thanks. Especially with the lessons happening, and all. AUGH.

Though for the record, I donapos;t actually mind the job. Itapos;s just that whole thing where talking is painful. And hours are aggravating. But is far better than the other shite-jobs Iapos;ve had so, yapos;know, what the hell. And I should be able to start subbing, at least in a few schools, so that could be useful. But also need to be able to talk for that. Ahaha, these leeeettle details, they do pester.

Memo to Lenawee County: Fuck you.

Might need some Timesplitters. This may be a very true fact.

And did get a decent amount of essay work going today, so that was a plus. Headed off to the library, where it was all work-conducive and whatnot. And not loud football-watching sounds. So yes, very much a good time, there. Useful, at least.

Going to look into this Timesplitters business, rrrrmhrm.
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bargaining for advantage shell

I keep hearing the song Hot N Cold by Katy Perry and everytime I hear it I think of Brian. Its like one day we get along great and I cant imagine being with anyone else, but the next he does or says something to me that makes me rethink the relationship. I think I keep hoping that things will work out,cuz Iapos;ll be alone if he leaves. And by alone I dont mean living alone. Right now I have his family (sort of,long story behind it) and some friends. And my friends dont really live all that close besides a few, and most are work friends, you know the ones you only see at work and talk to at work. I kinda wanna date again, I dont want a relationship, and Brian knows this, but I feel like that if I do date�then Iapos;m doing something wrong, when I know Iapos;m not. But none of the guys here in Marshfield seem to be interested in me anyway. I just dont know what to do anymore. Its getting to the point where Iapos;m like whatever. Iapos;ll probably never marry or have anymore kids, but whatever thats the way life goes. Iapos;m so confused that I give up.
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don t play the game

This will be a long rant on a million different things.



First, I think the reason why half of all marriages end in divorce is because weapos;re all far too quick to say, "I love you." Also, because no one wants to be by themselves. Justsayin.




Did you ever answer a question? Then regret your answer? Hmmmm... Not like on a test, but like in life. Itapos;s a bummer.

Iapos;ve been quite mellow and nonchalant the past few days, I just donapos;t care anymore. Nehhhh. I could tell you every reason why, but itapos;d take forever to explain, and it still wouldnapos;t make sense.



Everytime I take two steps foward, I regress, and take four steps back.







Donora is becoming my new fave.




Nehhh, I had to take the PSATs this morning... Hardest test of my life. D:
don t play the game, don t play wit it, don t play wit me.

doug cook

Ok so i went for cell on friday ya..and i tink that we never really do much la..just played some uno game thatapos;s all lor..then,um the losers like have to share la but obviously the game was so jian and designed by yb that no matter whether u won or lose u still have to share la..which was kinda like stupid cos u dun even need to play lor cos u noe that u will surely lose the round one wat..so thereapos;s no point..ok,well o ni yr will noe wat i am toking bout la..so anyway when itapos;s my turn to share then i tok bout the guy in hospital and then siad a little bout pw oni cos yb had to if thereapos;s anytink in my life that i wanna share la...so i just said one line of crap la..then act i wanted to say bout the fact that me and my mumapos;s relations are little off cos my bro is having his o levels this year and then my mum tinks that his a.maths foundation is nt too strong then she keeps asking me to teach him and stuff then i helped him la..to write out the solutions to the questions but then some of them i forgot hw to do already cos we out of touch already ma..we move on to higher jc maths already buit then she still insisted that i do the sums for him..so she asked me to take the a.maths book then read up then teach him from the beginning..ya la,then i tell her that i am really busy wif pw and then still gt my chinese a levels to sit for la..then she said that i am a terrible sister and i am nt a good person..so i gt fed up and started to fight back la..i said y must i be bothered to teach him when he is nt even bothering to do it himself ,,he;s just trying to take the easy way out and let others teach him..heapos;s nt even trying lor.so i siad that i am busy wif other tinks and then if he need someone to teach him then he should just go n consult the teachers in the sch wat since we live so near and the teachers stay back till bout 9pm everyday for the sec 4 students wat..ya la,,so i told her that then she gt pissed off la..then i oso gt pissed off la..SO THEN i said ok then bb,am going off for cell nw..so she started scolding me and said that since i gt no time for pw ,chinese y must i still going for cell ?then she said u wanna go for cell and waste your time then dun even bother to teach your brother that means that u are nt even interested to help him at all..ok,then i went off ofr cell very angryily la..wow,itapos;s like sometink so minor then my mum can make such a big fuss and she oso pisses me off..like hello when i was taking the o levels then i was oso on my own wat..y do i even need to teach my bro when his house is just like 3 mins walk to the sch..just cannot understand her la..ya lor then she has a terrible impression of me nw la..gosh,oso dunno wat i can do man..but obviously i didn;t wanna share it wif the cell peeps cos itapos;s too private then they oso might judge me and erhaps agree wif my mum that i am a bad person la..so anyways,after i tok bout the pw tink then i just siad thatapos;s all thank you..haha so they there wont be a dead silence every single time that i stop sharing like they always expect me to share a lot more when i go for cell which i dun like cos i feel that u can oni share tinks wif ppl that u feel comfdortable wif and nt just blurt everytink out when u hardly even noe them rite..so,thereapos;s no point trying to dig out more info from a person that u hardly noe especially from me..cos i dun like telling too personal stuff get it..ok fine,tks for reading..
ps..to those who never blog,go do so nwwwwwwww ok..haha..
signing off,SL...
doug cook, doug cook medicago, doug cook rcmp.

comp holster tac

I had to go this morning to get blood work to check my glucose this morning. After finally managing to get a parking spot because the construction crew working on a new wing of the building blocking everything and tracking down a nurse so I could get a new lab slip written up because mine had mysteriously vanished, we got behind four other people waiting for their lab needs. This is the first time Iapos;ve seen any kind of line there. Usually, I go straight in.

While waiting, the older gentleman second in line suddenly fell off his chair and began seizing. If that werenapos;t enough horror, Liam began to laugh hysterically and it felt like it took me forever to hush him to stop. The man ended up being ok and after everything, I apologized to the manapos;s wife for Liamapos;s inappropriate laughter. Thankfully, she understood.

This is not uncommon for him. He often laughs at me when I hurt myself.... Which is often since Iapos;m such a clutz. Sometimes it isnapos;t totally inappropriate. I mean, clutzy pain can be a bit comical. Often, it is not.

This is one of those things which worries me about his Aspergerapos;s -- the lack of sympathy or empathy. Without those elements, a person can seem almost inhuman. My cousin with Aspergerapos;s is one who has none and it scares me to death to think that Liam could grow up to be like him. So I try very hard with Liam to teach him that others have feelings, too. Any time he starts laughing or seems to ignore that he is causing someone else pain or discomfort, we will talk about how it would feel to him if he were laughed at, or stepped on, or whatever it is that is causing the issue. Sometimes, it seems to be working. When I was sick, he would often ask if I was ok or needed something. Either Iapos;m getting through or he was using it as a convenient opportunity to play his favorite game of "big helper". ;c)
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bes blackberry

La extrano mucho. Estoy acostada en mi cama triste y quisiera que estuviera aqui. Necesito un abrazo, pero quiero que sea el suyo. Quiero sentir su cuerpo que por un tiempo se convirtio en algo familiar para mi. Quiero tocar su cara, su pelo, tomar su mano, besar sus labios. Es dificil la despedida. Asi como ella presiente que voy a jugar un papel importante en su vida, al igual siento que ella lo jugaria en la mia....la diferiencia es que yo estaba preparada para tomar el riesgo, de poner todo, en abrir mi corazon, vulnerable.

Porque tuvo que ser a destiempo? Cuando nada es possible. Todo sigue siendo tan contradictorio. No puede, no puede, no puede, pero no quiere dejar me ir aun cuando en su mente habia jugado con ella , manipulando su mente. ....no no fue asi. Muchas circunstancias, cosas que ella no sabia, que nunca exprese porque la majoria de las veces me encontraba herida, celosa, preocupada, confundida. Porque sigue hablandome? porque no me deja simplemente ir, siendo que le he causado tanto malestar? ...porque no me olvida? Esta es precisamente mi confusion, no tiene sentido esto. Para que, para que si no tienes nada que ofrecerme? si tienes tanto miedo ? si no puedes ver mas haya de tu propia vida y necesidades? Porque te quiero si me diste solo migajas? ....si, somos dos las que no tenemos sentido, la logica se ha ausentado.


Siento una mezcla de amor, de deseo, de enojo, de tristeza, de melancolia, y resignacion. Debo dejarte ir cuando lo que grita mi corazon es "no me dejes ir". Pero va a suceder porque no hay remedio. Por mas que te quiera no puedo seguir a tu lado, no asi, de modo en que me pierdo yo, en que sufro por tu indiferiencia. No puedo seguir a tu lado sintiendome un estorbo. No puedo seguir asi porque sea demiado rapido o no....te quiero lo suficiente para extranar tu ausencia...dia y noche.

Que tonta soy. Lo dijiste mil veces, me lo demostraste, una y otra vez. Pero no te escuche, no te crei porque a la vez, salian de tu boca otras palabras. No te decia que sufria por no inportunarte, y fue ese todo el que me llevo por un camino desconocido donde fue perdiendo poco a poco mi sentido de yo. Deje de conocerme, deje de sonreir, deje de distrutar tu compania.

No esto no es lo que quiero y aunque parece que va a ser un largo camino el que voy a recorrer para encontrar mi amigo "olvido", tengo que tomar fuerzas y seguir adelante porque la verdad no cambia, es la misma....tu no me quieres y tu no eres lo que quiero para mi.

Pero que es lo que quiero? Parece ser que lo olvide, que quise querer lo que tu deseabas. Pero tus actitudes me herian, todo el tiempo. Sufria sin necesidad. Callaba por miedo a lastimarte o perderte, que tonta fui Tu nunca me mentiste, pero me dijiste que me querias y despues te retractaste. No mas ....no mas, mi corazon no puede seguir sufriendo por ti.

quiero lo que creo todos queremos, quiero lo que merezco. Quiero ser amada con la misma intensidad y passion, con el mismo respeto y dedicasion.

Quiero igualdad y respeto. Ternura y sinceridad. Paciencia y humildad. .........no es possible, no es possible.


olvidala ahora, olvidala como ella se olvida de ti.

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